I Think I Fucked Up

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How awesome of me to have pissed off the one person that I talk to about every thing and who actually gives a dayum about me.  I hate talking to someone I care about when someone else has done something to piss me off because it will seem like I am mad at them and not the previous situation.  I am not good at hiding my feelings.  He called me and gave me some great advice about how to improve my health.  We had been talking about it for a while and I am excited to get my health back on track.  Because I was feeling frustrated about some of the things my mother and grandmother said to me earlier he detected the frustration in my voice even though I was genuinely grateful that he is so invested in helping me get my health on track.  He asked why did my voice sound like that and I told him that I was just feeling frustrated about some things that had been said to me and what he was saying kind of fell in line but his intentions were different.  I couldn’t explain fully how I was feeling because when I get that frustrated and don’t get a chance to process my emotions, my communication skills leave something to be desired.

 

I swear sometimes people don’t understand how stressful and mentally fucked up a person can be when they feel helpless about their situation.  I was born with this disorder and I feel like some people come at me like I did this to myself.  I never have any fucking energy.  I wake up feeling like shit most of the time.  I have moments of strength but sometimes I get very, very weak.  I feel like I am useless at times and hearing someone say that I sit back and wait on the government to take care of me was like a shot to the brain.  I didn’t choose to be sick.  It’s not my fault.  I lost everything behind this fucking disorder.  There is no telling where I would be if I never got sick and to hear me get reduced to a government dependent hurt me to my core.  I shut down at that point and started talking to him crazy as hell.  Huge mistake and I am sorry as hell. 

 

I don’t know if he will every talk to me again.  He rushed off the phone and won’t answer my text messages.  Honestly, I am kinda used to being abandoned now and that’s kinda sad.  It hurts and that’s okay too.  Pain is safe because I know it so well.  It’s this love shit that has me feeling fucked up.  No pills for that…

My Pain, My Papi

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Writing is my therapy.  Late at night like this when I am in pain and everyone is sleeping.  I sit up and write and wonder and think and cry and wish and hope… in silence.  The clicking of my keyboard as I type and my ragged breathing choked with tears wishing I wasn’t alone in this place I don’t want to be.  Eleven hours from now I have an appointment with my surgeon and I am terrified about what he is going to say even though I know he is definitely going to want to cut me again.  When he see the new scars and lumps in my skin, I can already hear him saying that he is going to schedule a surgery.  Shit, they are gonna slice on me forever.  No cure.  No lasting treatment.  When am I gonna go in remission?!  Don’t get me wrong, I have come a long way.  I don’t see gaping holes in my skin anymore but the random skin spiting, bleeding, and pain isn’t all that fun either. 

On top of all that, I miss him so much. His kisses, his caresses, his arms wrapping around my body, hearing him breath in his sleep, staring at me when I talk to him with this little smirk on his face, feeling his moustache tickle my skin, feeling his naked body slide on top of mine…. just his presence.  I need him now and forever.  He makes the pain go away.  My baby.  My papi. I hate the power he has over me but I am a glutton for his punishment.  I’m fucked up right now. But I will see what the sun brings in a few hours…

In My Feelings

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You are a enigma I want to decipher

A puzzle I want to solve

A mystery I want to ponder

A problem I want to become aware of

I see you shining in the darkness

Guiding me to the light

Creating paths where there was once wilderness

An reviving where there was once plight

I want to learn from your wisdom

I want to bask in your glow

I want to peek into the depths of your heart

To from whence your love flow.

I don’t know if you are ready

I might not be too

But if you are willing

I am willing

Just me

Yes, me

And you

 

 

It’s My Anniversary!

img_20140328_2j12920 (1)Today is the anniversary of my surgery.  My have my life changed since then!  I am socially, mentally, physically, and emotionally different for the better.  I truly got my life back that day.  I am so humbled but at the same time proud of my experiences fighting this incurable disorder.  People keep telling me I am strong and I am starting to see that indeed I am.  Even in my weakest moments I am strong.

Just last month, I experienced the worst pain I have even been in during my entire life.  One weekend I went to the emergency room and just six days later, I was back.  That morning, it took me forever to get out of bed.  I took my shower and noticed how sore the skin on my stomach was.  When I got out of the shower and sat on my bed, I noticed that the skin around my navel was very swollen and red.  I showed my best friend because I had never experienced it quite like that before.  I laid in bed for hours after that.

When I got up to get something to drink, my stomach hurt so bad that I couldn’t bend at the waist.  I dropped a bottle of Starbucks out of the fridge and just left it there because I couldn’t bend over to pick it up.  I lay in bed and took a Lortab, the first one I had taken in months.  I slept about 4 hours, then the pain woke me up.  I woke up crying and whimpering.  I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even move my body.  I lay there crying about 20 minutes trying to maneuver my body enough so that I could reach the body of pain medication that was in bed with me.  I took the pill and lay there crying until the pain subsided enough for me to reach my phone.  

I wanted to call the ambulance but I know I didn’t have the money to pay for it.  I called my roommate and asked if she would drive me to the emergency room.  It was about 2 am and she basically told me to drive myself.  I just hang up the phone.  I was in too much pain to explain or argue.  I felt like I was dying.  It felt like I was getting stabbed with knives from the inside.  I got up and threw on a jacket.  Yes I still had on my night gown, but thank good it was cute because I didn’t have the energy to find clothes to put on.  It took me about 20 minutes to get to my car from the house.  It was cold and raining but my skin felt very hot.  However, by the time I sat in my car, I was shivering cold.  I live approximately 4.5 miles from the hospital but it took me nearly 30 minutes to drive there.  I was in so much pain, it was raining, and I still had the Lortabs in my system even though they were barely keeping the pain in check.  

By the time I pulled up at the emergency room, I couldn’t even get out of my car.  I called the hospital and had them transfer me to the front desk.  Two nurses came out.  When they opened my car door, I almost fell out.  They couldn’t believe I had driven myself there in that much pain.  I just started to cry.  They helped me into a wheelchair and the male nurse went and parked my car for me.  I pretty much went straight to the back.  I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even stand up to give them a urine sample.  The doctor came in and he was being a total ass to me.  He basically asked me what my condition was then tried to argue with me that what I was saying wasn’t true. Being that I was in so much I pain I basically schooled him about my condition in the nastiest voice ever.  The nurse that was in there was horrified.  He said, “Man, I can’t let her be in pain like this, we have to give her something dude.”  I guess he got ashamed and he suddenly started being nice to me and instructed the nurse to give me morphine.  They set up my IVs and the morphine calmed my pain down enough and I was able to give the urine sample.  The came in and took blood.  I slept a lot.  My temperature was climbing.  They admitted me at about 9am.

By that time my temperature was at 103.7 and climbing.  I was having shivers and chills so bad that the whole bed was shaking.  They gave me something to get it down and I just remember passing out.  When I woke up at around 1pm, I was soaking wet with sweat but my temperature was back to normal.  It was around that third day when I started to feel better.  The doctors told me that I had gotten a dangerous and rare blood infection caused by my skin disorder.  The fifth day they told me I had MRSA.  Everyone that came in my room had to wear these mask and suits.  Nothing could leave my room.  I was considered highly contagious.  They told me that I would have to stay in the hospital for 2 more weeks and that I would have to be on IV antibiotics from home for about 2 to 3 months and that I would need a nurse.  I was devastated.  But the doctors were baffled too.  They said that if I had MRSA, I should have still been feeling very sick but I wasn’t.  I was still weak but not nearly as sick as I was when I came in.

They began testing my blood like crazy and finally they determined that I did not have MRSA and I would be released the next day.  I was so happy.  I celebrated over the phone with my two guy friends, one of which had slept in my room with me for 3 days and the other which kept me company on the phone everyday.  I am forever grateful to them!  Even after that ordeal last month, I am still grateful for how far I have come and how far I plan to go.  Happy anniversary to me!

Punisher

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He didn’t see her. He only saw a woman, lying beneath him, looking wide eyed and innocent, though everything but. He saw ebony skin, curves of her lips, and the familiar scent of sex in the air. In his mind, a different woman than the one laying beneath him, a voice echo through his head. Flashes of her orgasmic moans and harsh words all melded into one. He physically scowls and grunts as he thrust all of his dick into her tight wetness. She cries out in pleasure, pain, surprise… He grips her breast in his large hands, pressing them flat with his grip and weight as he thrust hard again into her body flattening the swollen lips of her pussy. He is punishing her for yells, screams, hurts, pains, tears, and frustrations she never caused. She wraps him with her arms and legs, absorbing him into her. Aware that she is being punished but encouraging him to hurt her more, fuck her harder. She wants his pains and his hurts spilled into her body where they will die and slowly seep from her pussy as he lays sweaty and exhausted on top of her. The tears on her face bring him to reality. He sees her and realizes what she has done for him. He will fuck her and punish her until he loves her. ~The beginning~

Raw

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Tongues caressing each other, laughing when our teeth click together. Feeling a finger stirring my wetness as you cover my nipple with your mouth. Back arching. Moaning. Fingers digging into your shoulders and back. Twisting fingers in your hair, pulling you towards my face for more kisses. Caressing my cheek and smelling my pussy on your fingers. Covering your body with mine. Nipples grazing your chest every other second because I am already breathless and anticipating you dividing my thighs with your body. Feeling a small pearl of liquid bead at the lips of my pussy and drip to the left. Bending down and sliding my lips across your thickness. Tasting the salty drips on my tongue. Wetting your length with my saliva and hearing you moan as I inhale you. Stopping before you release in my mouth and pulling you on top of me. Parting your lips with my tongue to taste you again and shutter when I feel the head of your dick slide against my clit. Grabbing your dick and rubbing it against my clit. Shuddering and arching my hips up to give you more access to my body. Grabbing your dick from you and looking into your eyes. Guiding you into my wetness. Closing my eyes and savoring every raw inch of you entering my tightness. Moving against each other. Everything is wet. Wet with saliva, sweat, pre cum, and juices from my pussy. Wrapping my legs around your body and crossing my feet across your ass. Pulling you deeper. Feeling all of you. Pain mixed with pleasure. The silky skin of your dick filled with throbbing veins against the tight, pink muscles of my wet pussy. Feeling your dick jerk and throb as it release jets of warm cum deep inside of me as I clinch you in. Feeling your body relax on top of mine. Your dick going soft and slowly sliding out of my messy wetness. Heavy ragged breathing with eyelids to match. We are raw in more ways than one. Our souls are tied in the little death.